1952 Hudson saved the mill!
CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab Following the tradition of Hindenburg, Skylab, Freedom 55 and General Motors, President Alike CWMC agents and worked hard as O peration Too Dumb to Quit swings into high gear with irresponsible amounts of effort and precious funding invested in the paradigms of the car failed with cryptic classifications as Aries thE 99GL and other agents are getting in on the act with the approach of the season of snow, bringing with it the inevitable escalation and endemic funding fraudulence winter beater Challenge.
Agent 533, not happy to be just a -ing shepherd- February 2 Chrysler in antiquity, has taken the plunge and tried to initiate a second version of this Klassic Kombo for winter service; this time in the form of an attractive 85 Dodge Aries K Beige, not less; with an automatic transmission and a radio.
Radio, at least, seems to be in good condition and appears to provide trouble-free access to AM frequencies, ensuring that 533 is to keep abreast of changes in prices of pork and developing weather situations Unfortunately, the only other option the car seems to have already resigned, leaving a fried clutch trail of smoke and brown-field Dexron II black in the debris rather than just eating 400 00 purchase price as a loss and sell the remains for experiments scientists, 533 decided to take road less traveled and invest in completely rebuild the small slushbox on its home soil, to the delight of the other agents; always happy to live their suffering vicariously and preferably with someone else money As this issue goes to press, 533 reports all systems are most of these DoN little extra balls and springs and shit probably t do anything anyway, so he refocused his attention on the urgent issue of shoring Central with cases of ammunition and pieces of kindling to facilitate the resettlement of unit rebuilt President, called for help when competent employees could not be forced, made himself useful by getting mega -ripped and eat chocolate bars, leaning on the remains of a long jack and pass on the way Aries could be improved if it were equipped with flat-dogs hubcaps and an oversized turbocharger.
Agent 303, including weak Ersatz-luxury barges crippled has been well documented in this bulletin will not be left this season, either with a host heaps FoMoCo mid-70 to choose sports nicknames like Garbage Truck, Train Wreck and Barnacle, March 03 appears to be a serious contender this year.
I think I can put something together, but these guys are off the chain said agent 303, citing again the Rules Cumberland clause when asked why his car was no safe at all floor and only sporadic access to the second speed if you got there, it's good to go is essentially the essence of feeling sprang from the rather loose interpretation of the rules of 8-ball in some areas of the country where 303 originally native to the President, whose brief encounter with reality tend to follow a familiar pattern depressing, was last seen the liquidation of a booze cruise intercontinental 4 days down at the local 7-11, abusing the owner on the rare selection Saab spare parts and equally miserable stock 4-green cardboard export Meanies, who were quickly commandeered in the interest of promoting a measure of diplom acy.
smoke-break Sidelong Saab speculation seems to suggest the latter break with reality may have been precipitated by a desperate, a month to prepare the ruin thrash 99 WBC 14 which derailed when the water pump shit immediately after the first successful test- drive, bringing the car to spectator status until further notice after the bodywork, paint, replace the wiring harness, ball joints, to rebuild the interior, heating reconstruction, reconstruction brake and troubleshooting several hours fuckstorm the failure of the notorious Achilles -heel pump and ferocity of the combined associated repair processes to the absolute impossibility of locating spare parts has taken its toll on the delicate connection of rogue captain with reality again.
Agent 1080 has been determined to be a worthy rival this season, too, but seems to have gotten cold feet when his chariot of choice 1978 Chrysler New Yorker returned gas mileage so completely horrible, so scandalously vile than send shout to the anonymity of a kind of late-model salt sledding with which to make the trip and still be able to make the mortgage His retirement has only the remaining candidates more determined.
President Damn Saab infiltrating slowly, just bring a bucket.
All staff are encouraged to participate in the action as the snow is piled and nothing says Merry Christmas like the smug satisfaction of a CWMC WBC champion in a rusty Deathtrap limping along the shoulder on the way to the annual drunk , ass-grabbing, tell-off-your-boss-and-Puke in-the-parking-lot office christmas party.
CWMC seat, Ardrossan, Ab late summer long, sunny afternoon, unproductive and warm evenings, sprinkled with lots of time for contemplation and rest window shopping background Internet market opportunities car Well, almost bottomless; CWMC agents is usually to explore the classic car counterparty to the Mariana Trench, often battling President himself for the bring-a bargain battery that appear under titles like Good Derby Car and go Crusher Friday you know sometimes things intuitively, like when a movie is going to be terrible all star wrestler, or by a single lyric stomach churning or churchy C-major chord change, you have accidentally chosen the Christian radio station in the same , it is never too difficult to say that the agency Cruiser just pulled up to the seat belongs to the notorious agent 303 it might be old, whitewalls cracking or lock box and cut a piece of rope holding the lid sorting-off, but it certainly is a certain atmosphere around 303 SCUM Cruisers kind of smile face obsolescence without hope mixed with a ir subtle threat that surrounds those who have nothing to lose; equivalent vehicles a homeless rottweiler somewhere, a plate is stuck in a rear window, correct a sedan long ago sold similar description The bumper may be gone, but the luxury lives on recent incursions 303 in the no- man's land between the shadow and back alley scrap yard earned a pair of Cruisers that perfectly illustrate his stature almost unchallenged as SCUM first class Champion with what it takes to wear blue ribbon drummer-city Lincoln town Coupe, carbon date to the late-70, is used to enhance its aesthetic preference for the faded glory; its top stripped long ago half padded vinyl Landau and brushed away on Tremclad in black, Bondo bulge as old rust repairs resurface as bleached 249 00 splash sun.
It is either 303, or someone is great aunt is lost.
I love Lincolns, 303 said today in an interview from his luxurious area north side, where he was busy camou- flaging more of its other Cruisers with branches and grass clippings to hide owner I mean how awesome is that moonroof had it brakes, I would probably drive even side of the Lincoln is another signature piece a kind of cut Oldsmobile-ish, also dating from the days of Bee-Gees and bellbottoms found sitting in the junkyard, also was rescued and given a loving home by crazy-cat-lady large 2 bombers interior doors Sweetheart This mega-boat steps with a cube of 400 ish effective shred radians loans museums decrepit order while we Lie in corduroy comfort, burning huge spliffs and mocking mortals in their shame shelters payment plan.
Agent 533 status Cuiser, meanwhile, was overwhelmingly made pretty cool Pretty cool Goddamn level after the expiry of its namesake long awaited Bavarian Motor It is soften gracefully in the shrubbery; the first leaves of autumn skating lazily through the dried paint and fit comfortably under the wipers and behind the windshield of the bead, pending the winter I need to upgrade 533 said in an interview earlier this week, speaking loudly to be heard on the complaint of the turbo and cool-jazz band grooving together as he prepares for takeoff line with the policy of the company to buy cars that you wanted when you were in the primary school, I decided to go with the Omni GLH Turbo.
In one-just barely predicable movement today, the French automotive division has offered Endorsement of 533 new cruiser, saying that since its not too distantly related to the Talbot Simca Horizon introduced in late 1977, replacing the Simca 1100, he qualified as a French car, and therefore, the budgets for this division should be adjusted accordingly a new management unit 533 is in fact so tidy that it will be completed soon with another, platform more available so that the salt keep delicate flanks of one of the last Omnis survive in the known universe All officers are asked to go shopping, as drummer Winter Challenge will soon again upon us, and there so many different ways to S ubvert C onventional U URBAN M ediocrity.
Outdoor Motors Cold War Storage Facility 3, Ab Ardrossan Connoisseurs claimed for crisp close-ups today as the presidents of car collection swelled again, this time to celebrate the arrival of another inexplicable pair of high rent with conventional permission of the national automobile Division and is insatiable enthusiasm and ability of disturbing strangeness Americana postwar it is poorer; bowing again grandest underachievements in heavy style 4-door sedan and powertrain poverty groups.
These last two darlings control call along corrosive street stocky, having probably colored the back lines of the countless mud markets much on their long crappy, slow ass lives, and would have immediately been happily cubed had other semi-sensitive organization finished in possession of their tired, rotten, eaten-mouse carcasses.
Fortunately taillight is still no wait, it's broken too.
How and when it was decided that a 1957 Studebaker Champion should occupy the ledger of what some experts call Bender South Operation probably remain among the many mysteries that will be left unraveling archivists, accountants, and the authors of which are sure to be a glut of TELL-all biographies, sensationally slapped together to leverage the public voracious appetite bottomless for self-destruction and comic ineptitude President, self-satisfied secretly with the hit Stude, has allocated funds to double digits in the operation, making it one of the most expensive ever undertaken and grand, and probably among the most likely to result in serious financial mismanagement in purchasing all levels exorbitant flagrant as two exhaust valves and the same number of connecting rod bearings are running red ink as an alcoholic, tel addicted game vangéliste whose wife has just left him for a cute tattoo artist named Fiona If there is enough capital left the Company at the end of this operation to run an old blanket on the seats crusty, interior threadbare, this reporter is surprised indeed somewhere in the back of their minds, many auto aficionado will keep a list, long or short or both, of course the cars they buy if they get a chance it is the humble opinion of this publication that you could probably flip every list ever made by each car collector and you would not exactly overwhelmed by the number of times I Fury 1967 4-door sedan appears in your reading.
Just when headquarters staff had begun to get used to the new austerity programs Don t Flush toilet Tuesdays are a surprise success, budgets were reduced again on Thursday Candlelight to finance this last presidential Battle Cruiser acquisition costs Agent 1080 s Private Limited Personal Stock Furies 67-8, 5 PBC was promoted in the 1 storage facility air, joining half a dozen other contenders haggard behind the fence of shame, waiting for various amounts of attention and, inevitably, funding research money in 5 years too late, of course on the muscle car craze that almost ruined the whole hobby, president figure he can retire the manna that will surely realize when it whips its original paint, three on the tree, my deleted radio chip for maximum profit Agents, fearing to invoke the curse s legendary, have been reluctant to recall el grande Imbecilo a significant portion of the muscle car experience is actually the big engine.
Another blue-chip stock; FoS already needs the extension.
Not that it even works, six blocked This inclination is like Manson, scheduled for replacement as soon as another may be that this new Cruiser force the retirement of the legend, the Battle Cruiser 3 Will 5 years marks the end the reign of cut Fury II winter 1972 as drummer is Champion even a good idea to try I don t care about your shit winter beater, I like my muscle car now says the president in an interview earlier today, trying white sunglasses in London on drugs and get nervous glances staff, wary of the now intoxicated is catastrophically my time, I can feel the freshness is within my reach.
Nonchalant confidence, thy name is Fury I All officers are required to begin to bring their own chairs in the office, and report to the 086 agent to pick up your rubber hose needed to siphon Saturday.
CWMC domestic car Division, Ardrossan, Ab Lack Van Gogh Whatever the armless Venus de Milo A rock Dead Sea - yawn - Don t get even this reporter began that s right, was right up the top level the list of surprisingly accidental discoveries.
Another 4-door sedan rusty Oh, glory and the glory showered in cold storage yard CWMC Reporters of all the great fans magazines jostled among the smoldering flash bulbs for a few words from the President and busloads of auction -heavyweight bespectacled house, car nerds double black belt is torn pale on the compound of the perimeter fence of razor wire, desperate for a glimpse of the most amazing car authentication this year, the army and the army KISS was to be called briefly to help with crowd control, and arrange a pretty magic all KISS Karaoke Kontest, which was then canceled when the posters were printed using a poor choice of abbreviations and unfortunate, images fire cross borrowed Sabbath.
Finally, some semblance of order was restored and the Prez, his disappointment of not being elected pope plain to see his face clearly betraying the type of fatigue that only long-term drug and alcohol abuse coupled with shouting curses at inanimate objects for hours at a time can produce a successful speech so dark, so devoid of redeemable qualities, even in the short passages that serves maledictive high water for generations to come and as a reminder of the perils of letting speechwriters and unedited reporters consume copious amounts of magic mushrooms before major public events.
The Special Kaiser in 1951 was apparently a kind of pink coral metal back when houses were less than 10 big and the future was still something to looking forward, but the gloss paint, as naive optimism of postwar disappeared nothing rust and appropriate failure, while the CCFM HARASS crappy researchers and team Sleuths series would deliver the car to AC months before discovering its unusual origins Canadian one of only 1000 made in Canada and one of three known to survive, it is believed that the car extremely rare and beautiful combination of colors could place its value somewhere around 00 275, making it the first car in the history of CWMC which turned out to be a value above the purchase price.
In other ground breakingly, news of crucial importance, the President chose a surprise, come-from-outta-nowhere winner who give without reserve coveted Winter Beater omni this season of year rarely has the selection process WBOTY easy, the debate always degenerates quickly enough to drunken insults, followed by outright hostility and ending generally poorly, culminating in trips to the hospital, prison or rehabilitation or three.
This year, however, there was a cruiser SCUM Agency that stood out from the crowd of Taurii disposable and Fox-body flaky, and it was unanimously decided that the agent 303 take home the honors for his visionary brave choice of a 1972 Olds 98 cut its threatening façade still glossy in several places, this gigantic general generates a set of inside fuckload of 9000 BTU gallon as the agent 303 Reclines in a velvet armchair stuffed genius, isolated from world and its machinery least he is not concerned that he has to start the car with a trigger device type set-racing car under the hood, or with different tires assortment at each corner; 303 knows he runs the only way that counts with full presidential approval.
For CWMC French Division, Ardrossan, Ab The appearance at the headquarters of another shab-tastic five French-speed diesel has apparently pushed the Accounts Division on the edge ratio debt GDP of the French automotive division, mathematically unsustainable and climbing for years, finally reached it's hockey stick phase and landed the president to court to defend himself and his favorite division anger calculator society commandos the charge list reads like a who's bad decisions DS, CX, 604, 505 more oxidizing continental sights than any single company could hope to maintain without concocting a deep financial malfeasance.
The balance of FCD here speaks for itself, I fear, says the agent 313 in an exclusive interview with CBC 2 today, it doesn t seem to be any real hope of making some sort of defensible high ground from which we can separate these completely accurate- i mean crazy Its high charges-ness, whose style has been accused by some post-Wagnerian bombast; given Gatsby-esque big wheel facilities and booze-cruise yellow bumpy Silver Ghost pipe-and-slippers-by-the-fire attire The world's largest Assholes Newsweek, July 1982 remains confident in the face of overwhelming evidence against he and his cohorts FCD We'll just bullshit our way out Booze, whores and motorboats for the people and his whole stupid thing disappear it's worked for thousands of years, so I expect n be any change now we'll just get them to lend us money, or whatever, and, well, you know fuck- em is that the microphone on the own manifesto should the President to present as evidence in the case against him and his company; largely inspired by his earlier works also dubious merit and reiterating paranoid similar themes of corruption and debauchery at every turn, little is believed likely to characterize the justice court of friendly and generous light was briefly adjourned this afternoon -Midi until the President could be located, and probably mowed enough to make an appearance on the stand for a lively against-examination by counsel for the accounts Division a brief excerpt follows.
All agents were told to just keep up the good work, and don t, whatever you do, pull your RRSP account now and use the money for something meaningful Everything is fine, just do not worry Look not about a tiger.
CWMC Racing Seat, Ardrossan, Ab Following the devastating loss of Satan as a sponsor of this year, the CCFM Racing Division was relieved to find another source of evil against staggering fuckloads sporting nature -tender semi-legal tax Dodgin and happily hosted several mega-corporations vilified on board with the assurance of the performance of the first page and professionalism.
Banned sponsor motorsports in the major leagues, tobacco giants have had to rely solely on the ruinous addiction factor to consolidate sales, and they were desperate to get their colors back on some iron and nailed to the walls of the room, even if it meant handing over an irrational amount of seed money to possibly the least effective group of individuals in the history of motorsport, the Racing division CWMC with the promise of a cow without cash back channeling cold amounts in the back of the batter into the bank account of the Racing division, Prez in the hope of a little feathering a nest egg nicotinic had already begun drafting the safety operational plans Meeting ultimate showdown a complex set of protocols designed to demoralize even the most stubborn of accounting firms and ensure écrém milk tidy to help offset the cost of his own habits, both automotive and self-destructive course, this meant taking the real budget money for cars, which, if the skimmed milk was a subtle series of feints ghost and delivery costs, would not be presented himself quite as obvious as it he did the season, with a cost of savage cuts negatively affects maintenance and inevitably reliability.
I do not see any downside at all, today said the president, given its inter-bed on the 11th floor of the 132nd Jiffy Park where he sat, stalled and a little pale, burning packet after packet of Marlboro and Kings Viscount 100s, effectively pouring G Ts one hand and cause occasional flare gin soaked sheets came in contact with the cigarette butts that fall, I can not imagine how it can go wrong.
The missing funding seems to be headed in different directions in an uncomfortable extent; a decent chunk of it is immediately suitable for narcotics and similar corner sawn for delivery trucks full of Beefeater and Bombay supporting dry to the door the rest becomes more difficult to trace; the French automotive division is a likely suspect again, but the size of the Company mocks all attempts to navigate its convolutions.
The potential for abuse here is almost impossible to overstate 8771 agent said today in a telephone interview laborious Maui where he was been training for weeks, apparently to improve his skills dragging around the head of the shit, looking for his hotel after a tough workout tourist cocktails triple umbrella at the beach, chaining without JPS Kings courtesy of its generous sponsor and throw the butts to dolphins playing while bawling on inconsistent conditions whores track .
The lack of funding for maintenance starting to show.
Satan, meanwhile, decided to focus full time on flying the entire working middle class savings and his day job did not allow time to focus on motorsport as he wants to watch, says -it, opening the door to its Prius, continue to borrow more money to buy assets that depreciate everything I asked and buy stocks and shit like that; remember, you must be in the long run The President wished to remind all agents that you can print money, but you can print t stupid; you need to provide.
CWMC Headquarters, Ardrossan, Ab With another year of year-end fuck-o-rama on the horizon, the President authorized the immediate implementation of debilitating austerity measures for each division to try to mitigate the indiscretions budget horrific recent months.
Other admirers are neighbors and staff from NAPA.
As is usually the case in these situations, the president is the main source of the problem, and many of its recent acquisitions have been the cause of more than the usual amount of quarterbacking pot Monday morning coffee and backhand the photocopier speculation Looking at the seemingly endless appetite for wine and madness that seem feed its decision-making at the center of that cash crisis is still, of course, not one, not two, but an inert 99s trio Saab; all in a state that would make any sane person run screaming, holding their portfolio protectively close to keep struggling and waste long-suppressed gibbering scriptures to ward off evil is the real exchange authorized funding for several deaths examples 35 years -OLD cars off a company should trigger some red indicators If it does not, as is clearly the case in the Swedish car division, you probably have other wiring problems with your management circuit risks.
On the subject of wiring problems, we arrive at the first of the 99 s Like the other two, the example returnable arrived by trailer, drizzle a trail esque Hansel and Gretel its remaining fuel on the ground and smoldering suspicious of underhood whenever its appliances has been committed it is apparently a 1978 model and is actually granted storage inside due to its impossibly state without rust and the hide of the local population suspected anything not powered by a Cummins test drive are deferred until the vehicle is not really ready to ignite at any moment.
The second 99, a GLE 4-door, was a victim at some point in the recent past some serious body against-productive this is the damage caused by the previous owner that the car will be recorded in the parts bin, or eventually cobbled up in working and enrolled in the winter CWMC drummer fleet the president is considering the allocation of the car to 100,013 agent just to see the looks on the faces of his colleagues at Saab NAPA 3 is ostensibly car parts group; ready and willing to sacrifice for the good of the Saab community as a whole or it would be if there were good parts on it the engine, transmission, radiator, and part of the interior have been removed and the body panels are corroded in the usual, depressing places.
3 is basically just a windshield that take up much space and power steering fluid leak on the grass 311 agent said yesterday in a telephone interview rarely heard talk of its Swedish car division office in Houston to CWMC only other Trollhattan-thusiast is suspected by several other agents not having done enough to discourage Sunday stoner-time Saab-purchase binges what happens here said a disbeliever agent in 1080, seeing the short infestation, funny Swedish sedan for the first time, what the fuck are these things that Jesus, II, why do you keep this junk no fan; These don t look like 1968 all 0318 Plymouths agent was also insensitive to the appearance of the 99 s I try to be your friend, as you know, I have not said anything when you bought it the fuck is CX one thing that kind of a chopped quote what will you do with what you have two of them and what is this other thing Why would you buy all this shit look, I think it's time you took a minute, I mean, if you think I'm going to ride in that thing added Agent 1080 as he was retreating air in an interior devoid of decadence and molded decoration under pressure; vertical seats, soft surfaces, and hieroglyphic heating controls combined to offend her slouchy, speed-banging, cans of style the beer-out-the-window chairman, subtlety capacity severely impaired by an imposing pair of valid G Ts, responded that all officers should be informed that this year end term premiums will consist largely of being told to fuck off.
Cold War Motors 2013, cold, motors, seat CWMC Ardrossan.